The Unspoken Heartbreak of Embryo Loss: Loss is Loss

Trigger Warning: this is a sensitive post about embryo loss.  If you’re going through infertility, IVF or waiting for embryo results, I want you to know that this blog post may be triggering for you.  Guard your hearts.

So many of you have prayed for a miracle along with us.  I wish I had better news to share after our February IVF cycle.  I wish I could tell you that we finally got that miracle – that after almost three years of infertility, we could see the rainbow coming for us.  But I can’t tell you that.  And this is not the post or the news that I ever wanted to share with you. 💔

IVF: Egg Retrieval, Thursday February 17, 2022

On February 17, 2022 I went in for the egg retrieval.  During the entire IVF process I had this peace and a hope that this was our month.  It was going to work.  I dreamed about our future embryos and what our family would be like.  Who our embryos would be.  We were so excited because we *thought* we could be pregnant by Easter and we couldn’t wait to share our miracle with everyone.

We were so excited that we could finally see the end of this long, hard road of infertility having a happy ending.

I pumped my body with over $5K worth of hormone injections leading up to retrieval day.  You watched it through stories and Instagram Reels, and so many of you let me know you were praying and cheering us on.  All of these shots were helping my follicles (potential eggs) grow.  For eleven nights, Jon gave me the shots and kissed my bruised and bloated belly.  My hormones were all over the place from the medication and by the end of it, I was so bloated and felt like I was waddling around.

But it was all going to be worth it.  Every shot – it was all for our future babies.  I would have taken a million shots if it meant meeting our baby.  I went in for seven monitoring appointments, and as it got closer to the egg retrieval I was at the clinic each morning to check the follicles.

Each follicle – each big black blob – it represented hope and it could contain the eggs of our future babies.  As weird as it may seem, I loved going in to check on the follicles and seeing them grow. And I was in love with those big black blobs.  Those big black blobs – I just knew one of them was going to become Baby W.

This was going to work.  We were going to meet Baby W this year.  It had to work.  Afterall, IVF is the “MacDaddy” of fertility treatments.

I prayed to God that my follicles would create a lot of healthy, mature eggs to become our future babies. Prayed that we would have a lot of eggs fertilize and we prayed that we would end up with several mature day 5 embryos (blastocysts) that would come back normal after the genetic testing.  We prayed so hard for our future babies.

The first thing I asked after waking up from the egg retrieval was “how many eggs did we get?”  When Jon told me we got 14 eggs, I was so excited.  We left the clinic feeling so hopeful and excited for the future and we felt closer than ever to meeting our miracle baby.  That night, we prayed the same prayer for our embryos, our future babies, just as we have done for years.

This was going to work.  I could feel it.  I felt at peace.

The Day After Egg Retrieval: Friday, February 18, 2022

The next morning, Friday February 18th, I woke up feeling so happy.  I showed my mom the perfect brass crib I’ve had picked out for a long time and told her all about my plans for the nursery.  Rainbow themed, of course. 🌈 I can’t explain the excitement that I had, but it was a feeling of hope for our future that I hadn’t felt in a very long time, and I could make those plans.  I could talk about putting together a nursery for our miracle.

It was happening – we were finally going to get our miracle baby.  And all the pain and heartbreak was about to all be worth it.  I could feel it.  

But later that day, we’d get a call that would change everything.

The call started out great.  There was actually one more egg that had been retrieved!  We got 15 eggs!

Out of 15 eggs, only 6 were mature.  It has to be a mature egg in order for the egg to fertilize.  That number was lower than we were expecting…

And then only 2 eggs fertilized normally.  My heart dropped on the phone.  I knew that number wasn’t good starting out.  Afterall, I knew that only about half of the eggs that fertilized would probably make it to a Day 5 blastocyst.  And I also knew that only about half of any Day 5 blastocysts would come back genetically normal after the testing.  So I knew.  I knew our chances at that point were slim.  But I wouldn’t admit that reality out loud to anyone.  Jon though,  he already knew that wasn’t good news.  Neither one of us would say the obvious out loud and we hoped and prayed they’d make it through.

We knew we’d lose embryos along the way.  That’s why people compare IVF to The Hunger Games.  But we were not expecting to lose half of the eggs in the beginning.  And we definitely weren’t expecting to lose most of our embryos – our future unborn babies – so quickly.  We never imagined to experience the embryo loss we would go through.

We had 2 embryos left.  Two chances.  Two Potential Babies.  Only 2.

My heart shattered after that call because I knew they still had a long way to go.  I cried for all the embryos we had already lost, but I was not going to give up on our two remaining embryos.

We named our two fighter embryos Sweet Pea and Jellybean.  I hoped they were both fighters like their Mommy and Daddy were and prayed they’d fight for us.  Just like we had fought so, so hard for them.  We needed them to hang on and fight for us.  I needed them to keep growing.  We needed to meet them.  They were our future babies, and we needed them.  I needed them.  And I couldn’t lose Sweet Pea and Jellybean.

I fell to my knees and begged God to let us keep our two embryos.  I would do anything to meet them and hold them in my arms.

We prayed for our two embryos each day to continue progressing as they should; and we continued to believe they were going to make it.  I kept telling myself that these two embryos, our little fighters, they were going to make it and they would become our future babies.  God had given us what we needed it.  And I believed it.

As the world celebrated on TWOSday, 2.22.22 our 2 embryos would have been five days old.

God had put 2/22 on my heart almost a year earlier.  I constantly saw patterns of twos, and I knew that this date was going to be significant somehow.  2/22 that was the date of our IVF cycle month, and then I thought that maybe it was the month and year that would be significant.  I was waiting on an update, and I still believed with everything in me that they made it.  Anxiously, I waited for the call, but I had this peace that they were good.  I kept telling myself that our babies made it and I talked about my future babies.  Afterall, God had placed a date in my heart for a reason, right?

And then I realized 2/22/2022 would be when our two embabies were five days old and made it to the freezer to transfer later.  It would have been the day our embabies made it.  So this date, God placed on my heart almost a year ago, it meant something. I kept telling myself that our 2 embabies made it on 2/22/2022.

Final IVF/ Embryo Results: Wednesday, February 23, 2022

On Wednesday, February 23, 2022 at 5:30 PM I got the call that shattered my heart.  “I’m so sorry, Ashlee, they didn’t make it.”  We lost our remaining embryos.  Our babies, Sweet Pea and Jellybean, were gone.  I don’t really remember the rest of the call, my heart was broken and I was trying not to lose it on the phone as I processed our embryo loss.

Here I am, wondering why God placed a date in my heart, only to have that date end up with heartbreak.  Why was a date placed on my heart, only to be the day I lost my babies?  Why?

Why did He open all of the doors and make a way financially for us to do IVF, only for us to loose our babies?  Why?  So many people get pregnant for free every month, but we’re fighting tooth and nail for a chance – why?  Why did we have to spend over $20K to do IVF and still end up with nothing.  Why?  Why us?   Yes, I’m angry.  And I refuse to believe that losing our babies is part of God’s plan, so please don’t tell me that.

Those embryos, they were our unborn babies.

Each embryo was a beautiful part of each of us.  God gave them each  a specific fingerprint that determined their gender, personality and what they would look like. Would they be petite like me, or tall like their Daddy?  Would they love to dance their like their Momma or basketball like their Daddy?  What would their little laugh sound like?  And their little faces – I imagine the most beautiful, perfect little sweet faces ever. But we don’t get to meet our unborn babies earth side.

I’ll always wonder who our embabies would have been.  What they would have been like.

We had dreams for each of them, what they would be and accomplish.  They could have changed the world if they had the chance.  They would have changed our world. And their short little lives changed us.

Angel Babies in Heaven

But instead, we lost our embryos, our unborn babies.  Our unborn babies are gone.  Born into the arms of Jesus in Heaven.

Six little lives we will never get to hold or meet.  We never heard their heartbeats and I never carried them.  But they were a part of us and they were desperately wanted and loved.  Their little lives mattered to us.  And this loss, our embryo loss, it’s one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to go through.

Embryo Loss is Still a Loss

Our babies are gone.  And that is the true, heartbreaking pain of embryo loss and a failed IVF cycle.  The loss of embryos is something that is not really talked about.  But a loss, is a loss.  And the grief of losing all of our embryos – losing our unborn babies – it’s real.  No matter what stage the loss happens, it’s still a loss.  Your loss matters.  Embryo loss, chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, molar pregnancy, blighted ovum, vanishing twin syndrome, stillborn.  It’s all loss.  And it’s all emotionally painful.  Because you know those babies existed, and you made plans and dreams for those babies. You dreamed of the milestones and holidays that would happen with that baby.   A Mother’s Love never ends for the babies she never got to meet.

Our embryos, those embabies, their little lives mattered.  Their cells contained their little bodies and the blueprint of who they’d be.  They were our unborn babies, they were desperately wanted and loved.  And just like that, our little loves were gone.

The Pain of a Failed IVF Cycle

And so we grieve.  We grieve for the unborn babies we love so much in our hearts, but will never get to meet.  We grieve for the hope and dreams we had for each one of our lost embryos.  Then we grieve for the time we lost waiting for this cycle to come – only for it to fail. Grieve for the lives we thought we’d have – and infertility just keeps throwing the curveballs our way.  We grieve for all that we lost: our babies, the time, and the money spent.  All of it, just to end up in heartbreak.

IVF, unfortunately is not a guarantee.

After almost $20K spent for one IVF cycle out of pocket, lots of monitoring appointments, over 30 shots, and renewed hope our time has finally come, we’re here.  We tried to have a baby and made 6 angel embabies instead.  We’re left with the heartbreak of embryo loss and the constant pain of infertility.  This is infertility, and it freaking sucks.

Our arms are still empty, our bank account is much lighter, and our hearts are shattered.  And once again, we are forced to pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here.

I’m sorry my sweet embabies.  You will forever be our greatest what if.  I hope you know how loved you are and how much your Mommy and Daddy wanted to meet each of you.  Fly high, little ones.  Take care of each other in Heaven.  I know that all of our loved ones in Heaven are holding you now.  My heart still aches losing you, over a month later, and I know it’ll never end.  I’ll grieve for you, my angels, forever. 👼 We love you, my sweet embabies.  And I’m sorry.