Infertility at Christmas

It’s two days before Christmas and I’m feeling… really emotional.  Infertility at Christmas, well that’s a feeling that’s hard to explain.  You can have joy and be sad at the time.  You can feel happy but your heart is breaking at the same time.  Because grief is not linear.

Grief comes in waves and you can’t control when it’ll come.  It comes out of nowhere — suddenly you’re watching Hallmark Christmas movies and for some reason you find yourself in tears. This is where I find myself this year – in the midst of joy and grief at Christmas. Trying to navigate Christmas during infertility.  My heart is exploding with the pain of infertility and wondering why or if it will even happen for us.  It’s isolating and lonely; and hard to explain.

Yesterday, it happened.  The uncontrollable grief hit and I couldn’t contain myself.  It came from nowhere and it hit hard.  I was trying to wrap my nephews’ Christmas presents in festive dinosaur wrapping paper we bought special just for them. I lost it with uncontrollable, sobbing tears.  Jon had no idea why I’m suddenly hysterical and I didn’t want to say why out loud.  Our dog, Lila Blue quickly came over, pulled me into her with her paw and kissed my tears away.  And between the hyena like sobs, I told him…

For the past three years I’ve starred into the lights of the Christmas tree, telling myself it’ll be different next year.  A lot can happen in a year. I’ll be different, it has to.  I don’t know if I can tell myself that anymore.  Because this year, I’m tired and jaded and broken from the pain of infertility.

We’re celebrating Christmas without a baby.  Again.  And I feel like we’re already running out of time to have a baby in our arms by this time next year.

Infertility can do that to you.  On one hand it seems like time is passing by so very fast and time is slipping away.  You’re still standing at the start line, watching everyone else cross the finish line with those two pink lines. But it can also make time stand still – because that two week wait will pass by so0000 slow.

With infertility, the time and all the waiting is hard.  Infertility at Christmas, it’s even harder.  It’s hard for both of us and we grieve infertility in our own ways.

We should be standing in line to meet Santa and preparing for his arrival.  Making sure the elf was up to some kind of fun shenanigans over night.  We should be baking cookies for Santa and have our matching Christmas jammies.  Wrapping all the presents in festive, fun wrapping paper we picked out just for them.  We should be sharing all the fun Christmas traditions with our kids and watching the magic of Christmas unfold through their eyes.  And we should be telling our child about the miracle of Jesus’ birth and why we celebrate Christmas.

But we’re not.  And as my head and heart dreams of moments just like that, I also wonder what could have been.  What could our life be like right now if it weren’t for infertility. After battling infertility for years, (without actually knowing it) would could our family be like?

If you’re going through infertility at Christmas, know that you’re not alone.  Infertility is a battle we fight everyday, and even more so at Christmas.  It’s okay to feel all the feelings, however you need too.  You can feel the joy of the season and grief at the same time.  The holidays are hard for so many people, for various reasons.  And that’s a reminder for all of us.  As the holidays come, there are people who grieve for the loss of loved ones and grieve for the ones we never got to meet.  Give yourself and others grace, as we’re all fighting our own kind of battles.

There is no timeline for grief.  You can feel happy one day and sad the next day.  Feeling happy one day, doesn’t take the pain you’re feeling away.  Or feeling sad one day, doesn’t take the joy you have in heart away either.  It’s okay to feel how you need to feel.  Let people know how you’re feeling.  If you need to cancel plans, do that. Or if you need to go and have some time to yourself from all the festivities, do that.  Take care of yourself and put your mental health first.

Every person’s infertility story is different and their path to parenthood is different.  There are many people going through infertility at Christmas.  And one of them might be someone you know – maybe they haven’t shared that with you, or they may not even know it yet.  But the chances are, you do.  So, if you’re grieving at Christmas, or thinking of what should have or could have been, I see you.  If you’re battling infertility at Christmas, I see you, and I am right there with you.

Sending you all so much love and so many hugs to all of you trying to conceive your tiny little miracle.  It’s the season of miracles, so I’m staying hopeful for each and every one of us to get our miracles in the coming year.

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