Hope in the Wait: Our Infertility Journey

Infertility.  Is real and it’s raw.  It’s emotionally hard, it’s exhausting with the range of emotions you may feel and it’s  financially expensive.  For most, insurance doesn’t cover the treatments, making an already hard and emotional journey seem even further out of reach. Infertility isn’t a topic talked about much.  In fact, I really didn’t know much about infertility until life threw us this curve ball.  Now, I’m educating myself on the topic and preparing the best I can as we start the process of meeting with our fertility doctor tomorrow and hopefully begin treatments soon.  It’s been a long road this year, but through it all, we still have to hold onto hope in the wait of our infertility journey.

Hopeful

At the start of the new year I was so excited and hopeful for 2021.  We were at the start of that two week wait.  Again.  And if you know, you know.  We were hopeful for our long awaited baby that we’ve prayed and anxiously waited for.

We wondered if that Christmas present we really wanted may come to be?  What could our life look like in a year?

Because a lot can happen in a year.

So with the start of the new year, we had HOPE once more.

Hope that this will be the year we meet our sweet baby.

Hope that this would be the year of new beginnings.  But all that hope shattered more and more as each month passed by.  Once again I wasn’t pregnant each month and you’d probably find me sobbing in the bathroom.  Again.

When you get your menstrual cycle each month, it’s a painful reminder of broken dreams.  It’s a heart wrenching reminder that you’re still not pregnant each time you go to the bathroom.  Another month of hope is gone and you’re another month further away from meeting your baby.

We’ve been trying to conceive for awhile

It’s been a year of tracking my cycle, and it seems like I have it down to a science.  A year of tracking fertile days, countless ovulation tests to make sure we don’t miss the peak time.  Then peeing on a stick hoping for a positive pregnancy test.  Heartbreak after each negative test.  Or sometimes you keep testing just to make sure the other negative pregnancy tests were right because your body has convinced you that this is the month.  Only it’s not, because pregnancy symptoms and pms symptoms are pretty much the same, and your body is just playing tricks on your heart.

Grief. Broken dreams.  Anger.  Waiting.  Disappointment.  Heartache.  So. Much.  Heartbreak.

A year of grief and pain of trying to conceive that we’ve kept to ourselves.  It hurts.  A lot.

I finally had to get off social media and take a break from the blog because of all my emotions.  It seemed like every time I got on social media there was a pregnancy announcement and everyone I knew was having a baby.

During our infertility journey it’s been a year of truly being so happy for every friend and family member that has announced their pregnancies, but also devastated.

A baby is a tiny little miracle all in itself.

It’s entirely possible to be so happy for everyone else’s happy announcements, but still be sad for yourself.  You’re sad because you wonder when it will be your turn to share your news, but yet you’re still happy for everyone else.  It’s such a weird feeling, but that’s how it is for me, at least.  I have baby announcements planned out in my head and separate ones for holidays.  I have a whole nursery decorated in my head and the perfect brass crib already picked out.  Just waiting for the day those things can come to be.

But I don’t allow myself to dream those things anymore because my heart can’t take the let downs.

I did not know how hard it would be for us to start a family.  I naively thought that we would get pregnant within the first couple of months of consistently trying and tracking when I ovulated. If I had known, then I would have never stayed on birth control for so long and we would not have waited to start a family.   We waited until we were financially stable and at a solid place in our marriage to start a family. Now, we’re both a little older and ready to have a baby.  But I didn’t know the infertility journey we would suddenly find ourselves on and meeting with fertility doctors to have a little help with science on helping us conceive.

One in eight couples experience infertility.  That means that someone you know may be going through the pain of infertility and you may not even know it.

We are 1 in 8 couples.  🧡🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Breaking the Stigma

Infertility is such a taboo topic that’s not talked about enough and we need to change the stigma.  Maybe because it’s really painful to talk about with a roller coaster of emotions, or maybe it’s because people don’t really know what to say.  But still, infertility needs to be talked about so other women who are going through the same thing don’t feel so alone.  Because infertility can be a confusing and lonely road.

For me, I felt ashamed that the one thing my body should be able to do hasn’t, and maybe it’s something that I shouldn’t talk about –  so I kept my feelings to myself.  Keeping all these feelings that come along with infertility to myself became an overwhelming burden to bear.

Sharing Our Story & Finding Hope Through the Wait of Our Infertility Journey

Our infertility journey was something that I haven’t really talked about to anyone.  Now, here I am sharing our story to the world in order to change the stigma surrounding infertility and raise awareness.   I will not stop advocating for other couples trying to conceive and supporting other women that are going through infertility.

When I shared our story during Infertility Awareness Week on social media, it was a scary thing to do.  It’s hard to be so vulnerable and share something so personal.  My stomach was in knots and it felt like my heart was about to burst when I pressed the button to share it to the world.  But if our story can help someone else not feel alone going through infertility, then it’s all worth it.

Once I shared our infertility story on social media I was flooded with so many messages and comments offering love, support and advice.  A conversation began about infertility, empowering so many other women to share their stories.

Break the Silence & Share your Story

So many women shared their own infertility stories with me and offered me hope that they got their rainbows at the end.  Others shared that they were starting their treatments now or their experience of going through the process.  Some of these women chose to keep their infertility journeys private, others only told those they were closest with about their treatments.  There were even women that I chat with on a regular basis on the ‘gram that revealed they were walking in the same path of infertility and I didn’t even know it.

I’m forever grateful to the women that shared their own stories with me.  A discussion of infertility began and helped us realize that we are not alone and there are others out there that understand.

We’re about to begin meeting with fertility doctors now and I don’t know what our fertility journey will look like.  Whether it’s a natural conception, IUI, IVF or adoption – somehow the dream of having a baby will come true.  There is a baby out there hand-picked from Heaven just for us.  A baby that we already love in our hearts.

Your Feelings are Valid

Sure, there are days that my hope is slim and I have days where I think it may not happen for us.  I sit in those feelings, because it’s okay to cry them out and feel it when you need to.  Infertility brings about a range of so many emotions and your feelings are valid.  Grieve how you need to through the process and don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.  Set boundaries for yourself – believe me – it’s needed.

But we have to hold on to the hope that it is going to happen for all of us.  Without that hope, we have nothing, so we have to keep fighting for our rainbows. 🌈

At the end of the storm, a Rainbow is Ahead

I have hope in the wait through our infertility journey.  Somedays, my hope feels small.  But in order to fight to meet my baby, I have to hold onto the hope.  If you’re going through infertility, I need you know that there is hope.  After the storm, God sends us a rainbow of hope that better days are ahead.  Hold on to that hope, no matter how small, and keep believing your rainbow is just ahead.  Because the storm won’t last forever.

It’s important for YOU to know that you are NOT alone.  If you’re going through infertility I am here for you and I am with you.  I am you. You are strong, brave and a courageous warrior.  You are fighting so hard to make that dream happen.  Keep the hope alive and keep fighting for those dreams of your miracle baby to come true.

Together, we have to believe that there is a rainbow of hope at the end of the storms we’re battling.

Sending all of you that are going through the infertility journey hugs, love and prayers.  Sprinkling you with so much baby dust and believing that a baby will come soon for all of us.  Keep holding on to hope.

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